Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
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My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
the chicken was already gone when I got here
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.