dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
You Might Also Like
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”