Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
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I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
We have a winner.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Wake me when AI does housework
*updates tinder bio*
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”