“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
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WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.