Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
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healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions