BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
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Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys