Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
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We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?