Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
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We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
#CatsOnTwitter
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
me when the borders lift
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.