posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
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“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.