You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
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*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Britain be like
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe