a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
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80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase