Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
You Might Also Like
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
I feel seen.
My neck, my back, my…
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
I am HOWLING at this