Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
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“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here