“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
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Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Stick it to the man
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?