“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
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My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.