Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
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Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Good morning.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence