If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
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shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed