Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
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Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
The answer is funnier than the question
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Cheers Twitter.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.