I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
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Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Rt to bother an English speaker
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.