“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
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I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding