My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
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don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.