When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
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Untitled Goose Game (2019)
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.