“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
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I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
when dads have a rap battle
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Well, my evening plans are ruined
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.