Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
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Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again