[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
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the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….