Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
You Might Also Like
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.