You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
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7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it