Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
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Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
I triple waxed for this?
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.