It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
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“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
This is sending me to another galaxy
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
me 2 months after i graduated
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…