Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
You Might Also Like
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
When someone trying to leave me
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
When the stylist spins you back around
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”