older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
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99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Lmaoo 😂
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
me refusing to leave twitter
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
listen closely
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.