Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
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Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you