Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
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You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems