HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
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Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Huge, if true.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
only 11 steps left
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.