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Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.