I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
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IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*