I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
You Might Also Like
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.