I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
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if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.