I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
You Might Also Like
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Happy Thanksgiving
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
a god among men
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]