[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
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One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
eating my hot dog hamburger style
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.