4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
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Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering