Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
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Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?