I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
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Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON