“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
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It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON: