My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
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“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.