Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
You Might Also Like
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Bros before Ohioes
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.