My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
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As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Confused owl: What?!
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
My wife gives the best headache.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.