Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
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sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”