date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
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I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)