Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
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Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.